Lol this sounds like a nigerian scam letter.
I hate to say it, but i'd have to agree lol.
seafunk, dude... go to the bathroom, pickup the razor and shave, cut your toe nails and finger nails, put on some comfortable clothes, Headout and soak up some sun. Go to the barbershop, get a nice cut. Head to the mall and buy some nice clothes then take your wife for a nice evening out. Relax!